Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Dan Brown and the Illuminati


I was on the porcelain throne the other day and in a moment of bladder emptying bliss I had a moment of frightening clarity. I think I can prove without a doubt that DaVinci Code author Dan Brown is a member (if not the leader) of the Illuminati and is pushing the world to the brink of a worldwide crisis.

My first thought was that in Brown’s ridiculous theory concerning the Holy Grail that about the only group he does not reference in connection with the greatest cover-up in world history is the Illuminati. It’s not bad enough that DaVinci Code mangles historical fact beyond recognition, or that Brown implicates everyone from the apostle Thomas to the curator of the Louvre in this conspiracy, but then he misses a prime opportunity to involve the Illuminati! It all seemed so foolish until I flushed . . . then the oblivious became obvious.

For those of you who have lived in a cave for the last few centuries, or who have never listened to Art Bell, the Illuminati are well known as the instigators of . . . well . . . everything that has ever happened, I think. Of course no one knows who they are or how they manage to pull it all off, but if there is a conspiracy you can pretty well bet the Illuminati had a heavy hand in it coming to pass. So how could such a magnificent researcher as Dan Brown fail to include them in his Grail plot???

I’m glad you asked.

The answer, of course, is that Dan Brown IS an Illuminati (“Illuminatus”?)! Just as the actor playing “Chef” on South Park was happy to disrespect every major religion and race until the show had some fun with Christian Scientists, Dan Brown isn’t going to tip his hand and put the spotlight on the Illuminati - the true force behind all of world history and beyond. Duhhh!

But then I thought to myself: “Self, isn’t this a bit too easy?” I mean, c’mon – this would be like Michael Jackson crusading against all crimes against children except sleeping with them. No – there must be something else going on here. Then I considered the format of the book. Virtually everything in the book is not what it seems – pictures are messages, numbers are maps, men are women, truths are lies, authorial integrity is grandstanding crap, names are . . . anagrams. Anagrams. Was this the hidden key that unlocked the door containing the vault wherein lay the footlocker holding the briefcase securing the envelope sealed around the paper that revealed the mystery?

So as I zipped up I mentally listed all possible anagrams of Dan Brown. While I stared vaguely into the swirling bowel it hit me: Dan Brown . . . Bran . . . Down . . . DOWN BRAN. Good Lord, could it be that simple?

No.

Or could it?

Yes.

"Bran Down." Bran is down. A simple Google search confirmed what virtually all scientists and serious scholars already know – the world is facing a bran crisis of epic proportions. Just look at the cost of cereal over the years. Has it gone up or down? Up of course! Why? Supply and demand of course. Less supply equals more demand which equals higher prices - of course. I am now 100% convinced that the Illuminati are somehow affecting the world Bran production in their overall plot to rule the world (even more than they already do).

Oh sure – gas prices tripling in the last year SEEM to be the big issue. Think again. These are merely smokescreens to cover up the more insidious rise of Bran prices. Think I’m wrong? Try this simple experiment: how much did you pay for your last gallon of gas? You can probably guess to the nearest nickel, but can you tell me how much your last box of Raisin Bran or muffin mix cost? I doubt it.

So while we are rallying to have congress do something about gas prices, and promoting gas boycott days, we blissfully and ignorantly and stupidly continue to pay whatever price is asked for Bran or Bran related products.

And the Illuminati are laughing all the way to the banks. Which they own.


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Sunday, May 07, 2006

Geometry Puzzle


Does anyone out there know how to solve this puzzle? My friends and I are completely stumped by it.

Both the triangles are exactly the same size. The four portions are exactly the same size. How is it then, that when they are moved around, there is an extra square "hole" that appears?

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